daddy darko

Alright so earlier this month my uncle collapsed in what originally was thought to be stroke. The doctors did their tests and found that he had a mass in his brain. So the worry there was that they were certain it didn’t start in his brain. They were right. They got what they could out and found he has it in his lung also. He went to Cleveland for a second opinion and was told he has 6 months to 1 year. Apparently he and my grandmother are going to drive to Cleveland every day for a month for treatments and he has told the doctors he’s gonna beat it.

Is he just being strong for my grandma? I don’t know, maybe. But he is positive and when I spoke with him he sounded upbeat and just told me to pray for him.

And then there is my father.

Today just before he left to go visit him, he called to tell him he was on his way and apparently his friend answered the phone. After Dad got off the phone, he said “Wonder where Dwayne will hang out when my brother kicks the bucket.”

I said “Dad!” and he laughed and said “Ah, for all we know I’ll go before he does.” Again, I say “Dad!” and he talks about how life sucks anyway so might as well go onto the next great adventure.

I know my dad is dealing with things in his own way. He has a distanced way of dealing with things like myself. But he is always so negative about life and his outlook on it just brings me down.

When I first showed him my engagement ring he kind of rolled his eyes and said “Oh Great”.

It hurts my feelings that he doesn’t seem to care how his negativity affects me, or anyone else. Can’t you just be excited that you’re living and breathing and experiencing? Can’t you be happy for me, that I have found a wonderful man to spend my life with? Can’t you just be excited at the thought of walking me down the aisle and giving me away?

I haven’t asked him any of those questions, but I already know the answer. No.

Every family member is unique and I know that. And it varies from family to family. But sometimes I wish my dad cared a little more in a fatherly way. Some people don’t know how lucky they are to have a family that isn’t broken, that actually is interested in their lives and takes an active interest in their future.

My dad is just a low maintenance kind of guy. He cares. But I lost that family feeling long, long ago. I can’t even remember if I ever felt it. I was too young to remember what it was like back then. My memory doesn’t date back that far. I just remember separation and awkwardness.

I just wish he would look on the bright side and realize that being a realist isn’t an excuse for being insensitive.

It’s funny because my sense of family has been gone for so long that I feel awkward in any family situation with others. I’m comfortable enough with Bobby’s family now, and I love them. They are all wonderful. But as for my own, I feel foreign around them and in gatherings with them. It’s just strange and awkward for me. Kind of a shame.


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