you can ask about it.. but nobody knows the way- no breadcrumb trail to follow through your day

Today feels different. It was productive. Work was slow beginning, but near the end I was just flying through things getting them done. After work I immediately got the urge to walk the dog which is unusual but welcome. I think the weather had something to do with it. It’s a warm cold out there. And the air smells like fall, which is always nice. I walked her so fast we practically ran, which is what I really need to do, but that was a good work out too.

I felt happier in general today, but now I am stuck inside my head orbiting around thoughts that won’t budge. It’s quite the annoying cycle. Change direction, right? Here I am. I can’t stop until I get rid of them.

I almost don’t know where to start. This is a problem I have but I’ve had it more frequently lately. It’s like wanting to talk but the words won’t come out because speaking them is too much effort. Familiar?

I am on my way to happy with myself but I’m not there yet. Today was progress. But now I feel the way you do when your big party is over and you’re sitting on the crumpled messes left behind. All. Alone. withyourthoughts. I could talk to Bobby or Anna. But there is nothing really concrete there to talk about, so I am here.

I know I’m restless. Disappointed in myself, downtrodden. But I am recovering from the downtrodden part so what’s the deal?

I’m impatient. I count the weeks in my planner with the flip of a page but days are so painstakingly long.

And yet, here and gone so fast you nearly miss them. Isn’t that something. Sometimes I’ll be with Bobby all wrapped up in a hug and I know thirty years will go by so fast and I just want to remember that moment and hold onto it so when that time comes I can go right back if I want to. Life is less complicated now than it will be thirty years from now right? So maybe I’ll want to go back to that moment when the future was all foggy and only one thing was clear – us -. A time when we could lie on his living room couch and have no other responsibilities for however long that might take. Still have our entire lives ahead of us to do things right….

Life is pressure. If you become as good as you want to be, you’ve got to keep on being that good or it was never worth it to be that good in the first place. The only exceptions are aging and things of that nature.

I am tired of reacting so much to trivial things. What makes them trivial. No- what makes them more than trivial? I am so different than I was several years ago. I am so vulnerable and susceptible. I am so fragile and feathery underneath this shell but you would never know because I snap shut the minute one of them ruffle and the iron gates come tumbling down and that’ s it.  And I am perceived as a bitch which is probably better than the truth which is a kind-of-broken-but-still-hopeful-when-the-mood-is-right kind of girl.

SO what does it all mean? Am I scared? I guess I am. SO much is unknown and things change – people change on a whim. Maybe not a whim, maybe things happen first that make them that way but what if the things that happen, happen in such a way that you wouldn’t think those are the things to change them?

It is terrifying isn’t it?

I have more faith in the world and some of the people in it than you could imagine. But all my life I have been so open to getting hurt – that once I got hurt – there was nothing there to guard me. And I took hit after hit and this is the result.

Of course I am not entirely floppy. In some ways I’m like a baby tree in the wind, it’s made me stronger, made me stand taller. But that goes along with the iron gate thing and this is just not how I want to be. I know I am not the only one. I know this is many, many people.

But I don’t want to be suspicious of everyone. I don’t want any of it to get under my skin at all. I want to emerge from all of it and wick it away.

Maybe visualization and breathing exercises will do the trick? Like the little girl in My Sister’s Keeper who drew pictures of knights fighting off the cancer. (I read that book when it first came out like 6 or 7 years ago and I’ve never actually seen the movie because the book made me cry hard enough).

I guess this helped because I am tired of it now, the thinking.


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