never quite reach the top before i change direction…

What a sad revelation.

In the middle of my heaping mess of a room, while blowing bubbles for the entertainment of my feline friend, (okay, maybe mine too) I reminded myself again of how I always say things are going to get done by X, but X comes and goes, and it’s mocking me as it’s passing by.

What is it about me that holds me back from achieving the things I set out to do? Is it pure, utter laziness… or is there something more to it?

Things are a chain reaction with me, always. I have this great idea to do something, and one little thing puts me off a bit, makes me feel negative in one way or another, and the entire train derails. This is a consistent pattern in my life. I tell myself if I clean my room and make it a happy place for me to have a healthy state of mind, better things will follow as a result. Maybe I’ll make better choices or be cheerier. And yet I can’t fully accomplish cleaning my room?

I’ve literally been at it all day on and off. I threw out a lot of clothes cleaning out a dresser, cleared the surfaces of my bookcase and yet another dresser… but things are still strewn about. The places the things go are filled with other things. I should just throw everything away like they do on Hoarders.

Anyway. This is irritating to me, the fact that I stunt my progress regularly and still find the time to come here and wonder about it.

I’ll be done paying off my consolidated debt in June of 2011, according to the estimate on the website of the service I use. This is a big accomplishment for me. My plan is to also move out shortly thereafter. Probably in the fall. Fall is usually a good season for me. It’s festive enough to where I will keep myself busy doing crafty things so that I will not go crazy entertaining myself by more expensive means. It’s a cozy time of year.

I want to have my shit in order by then. I want to feel better about myself and have some money packed away, etc. And as I sit here getting excited and making these plans, I can’t help but wonder if it’s just going to be another X that passes me by. The thought is unbearable.

I am so very tired of disappointing myself/being disappointed. 😦

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